I gradually sauntered into depression over the first 6 months I was unable to run, and I have been stuck meandering through it since then. It was set in place by the end of summer 2015. At that time, I began working with a therapist to talk through my feelings and develop strategies for dealing with depression. I realized that my depression was becoming dire when my children began to wonder out loud, “Is mommy crying again?”. Once I hit my lowest points, those that I will not list here because it would be painful for family members and friends to read, it was time to try something else.
In October 2015, I called to get an appointment with a therapist who was licensed to prescribe medication. The earliest available appointment was in January. I felt so helpless, frustrated and sad. The therapist I had been speaking with prior is not licensed to prescribe medication, and was unable to help aside from suggesting that I contact my primary care physician. My doctor got me in that week. I spoke to her through tears and sobs. She sent me off with a prescription for Zoloft, asking me to contact her if I started making plans to take my life.
Zoloft buffered me from crying after about 2 weeks, but I started feeling so tired that I could not function. I would use all of my energy to complete work at my job, and then fall asleep on the couch once I got home, leaving my husband to care for my sons and me. Since I was unable to function on Zoloft, I tried Prozac once I got in to see the prescribing nurse practitioner 3 months later. Prozac at a low dose also buffered me from crying, but I still felt low. Once the dose was raised to combat my increasing anxiety over an issue I’ll write about at a later time, I was again too tired to function. My practitioner then suggested Wellbutrin, an antidepressant which sometimes improves energy levels. It may have helped a little at the doses I tried, but it was not dramatic and the other side effects did not outweigh the negative side effects. I remained lethargic, but also had body aches and other issues.
Next I weaned off of Prozac, while maintaining the Wellbutrin dosage. The nurse practitioner I was working with retired, and my new practitioner suggested I also stop taking Wellbutrin. Over the past 3 days I am anti-depressant free for the first time since October 2015. I am running more regularly now, so, hopefully, I can stop the medication for good because I miss feeling like my old self. I was told to give it a week before I assess how I’m feeling and, if I don’t feel well, I will begin an anti-depressant I haven’t yet tried.
All this time, while meandering through depression, I have cut back on plans with friends, I paused working toward a part-time MBA, I focused less on volunteer work I normally do to run a scholarship program… I have made these changes because it has been difficult to focus and my energy has been so limited. I chose to prioritize parenting and my work. Even so, I am fearful that my parenting has suffered and my job may be at risk due to poor performance over the past 2 years due to depression, anxiety and medication side effects.
I am most sad that my relationships have suffered over this time. I don’t have the energy for them like I used to. I don’t keep in contact as often. My husband, family and friends have sometimes taken my behavior personally, and I don’t blame them. In college I had a roommate who was dealing with depression, and it was very difficult for her depression to not affect all of us who lived with her. This was also apparent in my situation.
Aside from medication, I did find some resources and tools that helped lessen my depression which I will focus on in the next segment…
Runner, Interrupted 