At the end of the day, I’m at peace because my intentions are good and my heart is pure. -Unknown
I just came across this quote, and this is how I want to feel. According to this saying, I should be able to achieve peace. I don’t feel like I’m certain about much, but I am sure that I always have good and pure intentions. I will strive to accept these words in order to find peace.
The problem is that I hurt people, and then I ruminate on how I said the wrong thing to make this or that person feel badly. I come down hard on myself. For example, yesterday I was in charge of a big fundraiser where I gave a speech. I was anxious and I am still thinking about what I should have done differently, who I didn’t thank enough, what I should have said instead…
I know I am too hard on myself, and that nobody is perfect. I need to embrace myself like my friends and family embrace me. I need to have the same amount of compassion for myself as I do for others, but I feel flawed and I know that getting a restraining order is not normal.
The new therapist I’m working with is so helpful when I come to her with these feelings. She tells me to be kind to myself. She explained that when people are under a great amount of anxiety they may behave impulsively and out of character. She said that I don’t have a pattern of these behaviors. She says this has been an aberrant event, and I can trust myself to see the red flags if I’m in future, similar situations. I am working to believe her and to find gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned.
The new nurse practitioner echos the words of my therapist. Although I have only seen her twice so far, these visits have been more effective and productive than all of the visits with my previous nurse combined. When I told her the story of my running injury, she listened intently and predicted the outcome, which made me feel less flawed. When I told her about the progression of depression and anxiety I experienced, she was understanding. And, most importantly, when I said that I have not felt like myself, and that the lethargy I’ve experienced as a side effect of the medications was not worth the slim benefits, she proposed a novel idea…AND IT WORKED! I am so happy to report that her suggestion for improving my sleep patterns, through use of gabapentin, has given me back my energy! It feels like a miracle.
I am extremely grateful for these two women. They gave me back hope.
I gave myself hope, too. I ran Big Sur. I did not know if I could finish this marathon. It was extremely challenging, and I struggled throughout the race because of physical pain and thoughts about my experience over the past 2 years. I had to take it mile-by-mile, and the hills were worse than I could have imagined they’d be. After a while, it felt like heavy metal armor was falling off of me…I left it all out there on the road. I physically felt lighter as I went along the course, despite the increased difficulty and pain. I finished the race with a smile on my face and, for once, I’m proud of myself simply for finishing. That race isn’t a race for time, it’s a race to finish. I did it, and I think I have gained part of that peace I’ve been looking for, and the rest may be near…
On June 16th I will know the outcome of my restraining order. As the date grows closer, some of the benefits of the new medication and the thrill of the race have left, shadowed by growing anxiety. I am afraid to go to court. I continue to have thoughts about all that went wrong with everything surrounding this experience. I look forward to this being over so I can fully heal, and I am ready to find peace.
Runner, Interrupted 