Be free

About 10 days ago, my restraining order was dismissed.  I can finally start to heal.

On June 16th, the date the order was scheduled to be dismissed, nothing happened.  After 1 week passed, I visited the courthouse to speak with someone directly.  It was difficult to go back there, but several phone calls to the office were unpleasant and ineffective, so I thought this might be my best option.  In person it was easier to deal with the court representatives.  I got information to call back to speak with a specific clerk the following week, and two days after I left her a voicemail the online docket reflected the dismissal.

During my visit to the courthouse I viewed my case file.  I hadn’t before seen the paperwork that had been filed in order to obtain the restraining order or the notes written by the judges.  There were form letters that the plaintiff filled out last April, and it was confusing that I was able to see their confidential contact information that was supposed to be hidden from me to protect them.  One form letter had boxes to check, for example to indicate if the defendant had a prior criminal record or firearms…the plaintiff checked the box that indicated that I suffered from mental illness.

It was painful to see that box checked.  It’s not only the shame associated with mental illness, which I wish didn’t exist.  I’m angry because I feel like the plaintiffs are mainly to blame.  They took advantage of my inability to cope with a difficult situation in order to obtain the restraining order to protect themselves.  When I feel strong, I think shame on them.  Unfortunately, I don’t feel strong that often, so I struggle to not believe what they wrote in those forms and in the affidavit.  Even though I have concrete proof that many of the things in that affidavit are untrue, I still doubt myself enough to think I must be the one who is mistaken.

I’m still working to change my thought processes to be kinder and compassionate with myself.  I’m working hard to recognize when I get stuck in negative thought patterns and redirect my thinking.  I feel grateful to have the tools I’ve gained to do this.  I feel grateful to find gratitude more and more in the lessons I’ve learned from this experience.  This will help me heal.

It has been therapeutic to write out these events, but by now I have mostly summarized my experience.  Let’s see what direction this blog takes moving forward…